I weighed myself today...
CW: weighing and scales.
(I'm not sure why I hear the title of this post "I weighed myself today", as the opening line to Meredith Brooks song, "Bitch" - sorry for saddling you with this song all day!!!)
I honestly can't remember the last time I weighed myself but I do vividly remember how it made me feel - less than, like a failure, not enough, weak, gross, out of control, ashamed, guilty, angry, sad, and determined to make a plan - which is why it was the last time.
We needed to get medication for one of our fury friends, and in order to have it dispensed, the vet needed a weight for the cat. So, how do we do this?! The simple answer is, I weigh myself, pick up the cat and weigh us together, then do the math. Simple. Right? No!!!! I contemplated asking my partner to do it, then I thought, why am I so afraid to do it myself?
For anyone out there who has struggled with body image issues and disordered eating you know how terrifying this can be! Look at everything that was brought to the surface the last time I weighed myself!!!! Horror! So much of our worth is tied to the number on the scale and we are sent into a frenzy of putting a plan in place to "get control" of the situation and "fix" the problem of our weight as soon as we see it! This was my pattern for a couple decades and I was terrified to think that I may be triggered by this experience and head right back to my former behaviours. (If you do struggle with some of what I am describing please speak to your helping professional before re-exposing yourself to these experiences.)
I took some deep body breathes, to stay connected and tuned in, I turned it on, and then stepped on. Still breathing deep into my belly and somatically scaling my courage, I looked at the number. Larger than I have ever seen it in my life, I took a few more breaths and wanted to cry. I wanted to cry because - it was a number, not a measure of my worth or success. I looked at it and thought, good body, well body, surviving body. For the first time in my life, I didn't want to make a plan to change it, I didn't feel like I was broken. I had so much gratitude for this resilient vessel that has carried me along from day one - even in the days, months, years where I loathed it - and continues to do its best. I wanted to cry for all the healing that has taken place, the compassion, my belief that life could be richer beyond these preoccupations, the fear that was pushed through, and the deep trust I have developed for the unseen wisdom this body holds. Another piece of the wall that stands between me and my potential crumbled today. Another piece of me was set free from the cage of "not enough".
How might you lean into finding a little freedom for yourself from what confines you, keeps you small, keeps you hustling for your worth and value? How might you find and feel the worth in who you are right now?
I invite you to close your eyes and visualize yourself a year from now. You have let go of dieting and trying to change the size and shape of your body. How do you feel? What do you do with your spare time? What do you enjoy? Can you bring some of these things into your life now?
Wild at Heart,